Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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