The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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