She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
