he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
