what day is it and did you see me today?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
