What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I think my vagina is haunted
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
