apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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