I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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