just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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