He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
