So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
