I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
