dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
