you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
50% drunk capacity currently
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
