I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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