her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
