I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
