do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
