I hate your face
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
