yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I need a beard to bite.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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