Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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