got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
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