when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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