Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
