Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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