I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
