took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
