I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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