he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
