I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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