I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
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