So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How does one acquire holy water?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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