I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
