i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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