Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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