it was like eating out sand paper
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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