got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
