with your own penis?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
