She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I hate all girls vehemently.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
