I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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