I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
