they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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