don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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