Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
