Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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