she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
