We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
