I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
