What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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