I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
